I Am…Learning to Say the Right Words
When someone you care about enters hospice, there’s a quiet fear that takes over.
There’s no handbook for this moment, only the ache of wanting to say something true, something comforting, and the fear of saying the wrong thing.
Recently, a Smart Patient shared a simple post titled “Speaking to Someone in Hospice.” It wasn’t long or poetic; it was just deeply human and thoughtful. In it, the following reminders were included because “Eventually, if you’re in this group long enough, you will have the experience of speaking to someone in hospice.”
Tell them you care. You probably don’t have the right words, but you care.
Give them permission to rest.
Express gratitude for the time you’ve had together.
Recall a shared memory.
Acknowledge their strength without urging them to keep fighting.
Assure them their loved ones will be okay.
Avoid clichés.
Don’t talk about yourself.
Don’t argue about treatment.
The list didn’t tell people what to say, instead it reminded us how to be. Within hours, the replies poured in.
“My coworker recently told me she is terminal, and I’ve seen how hard it is for people to respond well. When I spoke with her, I didn’t have the ‘right’ words, but I just listened. We laughed, and somehow it felt lighter.”
“Two people in my life have passed recently, and both welcomed a candid conversation. I take my cues from them — even if the talk is quiet, or just holding a hand”
And one member, who had once lost a spouse in hospice, offered this: “By the time my wife went into hospice, we had said everything important. I read poetry to her. Later, as a hospice volunteer, I learned there are no rules — just kindness.”
Together, these voices built a guide to love at the end of life. It was a reminder that hospice is a precious time with patients, that it’s for the whole family and really helps, and that most families say that they wish that they had called in hospice earlier.
Hospice is a place where time slows down. There are no perfect words. There is only presence. You don’t need to fix, to fill, or to explain. You only need to show up, to witness, to thank, to remember, and to let them rest knowing they mattered. Because sometimes, the right words are simply:
Each November, Hospice and Palliative Care Month invites us to honor the people who provide compassionate end-of-life care and to open conversations about what it means to live, and die, with dignity. As we reflect on the voices in this story, we also honor all who listen, care, and speak with love when the right words are hardest to find.