When Dementia Distorts Reality, Love Bends With It
When my wife stopped recognizing me, she didn’t scream or cry. She just calmly told me I should leave because her husband would be home soon. I didn’t argue. I said, “He asked me to stay with you until he gets back.” She nodded. We sat together in silence. Later that night, she looked at me again and said, “There you are.”
This is dementia. If you’ve lived with it, you already know reality is no longer a fixed thing. It moves and twists. One day you’re a spouse. The next, a stranger.
When Memory Fractures, Kindness Becomes an Anchor
In a recent Smart Patients conversation, someone asked about correcting a loved one when what they say isn’t true and worried about feeding into their delusions. Questions included: Should I remind my wife that her parents have died? Should I argue with my mom about there being no bugs in the furniture or that no one is stealing from her? The honest, hard answer that people shared was, “No.”
Of course, the truth matters. But in the world of dementia, truth as we know it doesn’t always exist. Your loved one, spouse, partner, or parent is living inside a different version of the world. It’s good to remind ourselves that this alternative reality is shaped by a broken memory - a brain that no longer sorts time and space the way it used to. Countering their “facts” with our reality doesn’t work. It can even confuse, frighten, or agitate. Smart Patients members shared how it is better to enter their world for a moment and gently lead them to calm.
For example, one member said that when his wife was afraid of being accused of soiling herself, he said, “I can’t believe someone got you dirty like this. Let’s get you cleaned up.” When she longed to “go home,” he eventually realized she meant her childhood home. Even though the house where she grew up was long since torn down, he took her for a drive through the neighborhood and they waved to houses. Even though they weren’t her childhood house, it made her smile.
Another member shared that it’s better to go and check than to tell your mother there are no insects under her bed and that she's imagining things. Tell her a reassuring story. “I didn’t see anything, but I set some traps just in case.”
Another shared that if your father hides things and then accuses you of stealing them, don’t argue or defend yourself. Say, “Let’s look together. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”
There’s No Manual for Dementia
Living with someone with dementia is often a strange existence that requires creative thinking and constantly providing assurances. Members spoke of being tired, isolated, and emotionally frayed, particularly if they had no break or backup support. Caring for someone with dementia often feels deeply unfair. Our community reported feeling invisible, angry, and then guilty for feeling angry. They wondered aloud if they were doing the caretaking all wrong.
They all agreed—none of this is easy. There’s no perfect way to care for someone with dementia, and no one-size-fits-all answer. That’s why it helps to hear from others who’ve been there. One member put it simply: lead with kindness. Even when it’s hard—even when you’re biting your tongue—it’s more important to respond with love than to be right. Because in the end, the goal isn’t to correct memories. It’s to preserve dignity and love.
Don’t Forget You
Another important goal is to stay healthy enough to remain a caregiver. Caregivers don’t need shallow praise; they need practical support, breaks, affordable home assistance, and a cultural shift that values their emotional labor, to be able to remind themselves that they still matter. They deserve a space to breathe - and usually they must create it for themselves.
Members decided it can be helpful to create a list of things you love, that you’ll look forward to doing again one day. For example:
What did you used to want to do?
Who are your favorite authors?
Do you have a favorite hike?
Do you have any dreams that you shelved?
Technology allows dictating these reminders of self into your phone if you’re too tired to write or type a list. Let it be a map back to yourself for when you need it.
Because one day, you’ll come back from this hard chapter of your life. And you’ll want to remember not just who you cared for, but who you still are. In a life shaped temporarily by memory loss, this may be the most important truth of all.
If you're struggling with dementia caregiving, you're not alone.
Other resources include:
User friendly evidenced-based dementia care education and support programs through our partner Family Caregiver Alliance.
The Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 helpline (1-800-272-3900) staffed by professionals who understand what you're facing.